I caught a thought at its inception, just before it was fully fledged and taking up space in the brain. It was a curious thought – 'perhaps I could go back to him!' – we've been separated for years, the relationship for the most part was destructive and depressing, its downfall involved police, court, homelessness and general misery. Nothing he's done since suggests it would be any better now and the children would actually kill me if I put them through the hell of reunion. So what was this embryonic bit of consciousness doing squeezing from the synapses?
I am surrounded by love and I’ve had a lot of loving experiences recently, so it wasn’t the idea of love. As a co-parent the man in question has been stepping up to the mark, so it wasn’t the desire for support in the family. I now have a home and a more predictable income so it’s not the desire for security.
As the observer in me pondered what it might be that turned a neuro-chemical in my brain into that particular germ cell of a thought, I began to see that what I'd been missing recently is someone to blame. As I scanned through my history, I noticed that I have always had a boyfriend, an academic tutor, a landlord, a judge … someone to blame for the sh*t that’s going down.
As I thought about the particular man concerned in the thought that triggered this insight, I felt sorry. Sorry that I had used him in such a way. This feeling sorry was a bit of a light bulb moment. The principles of Hoponopono - please forgive me, thank you, I love you - invite us to see the true light in those around us. It has taken me a long time to appreciate why the practice of Hoponopono asks us to seek forgiveness rather than offer it for wrongs done. I have felt inclined to offer forgiveness for the way he's misrepresented me, misunderstood me, humiliated me ... I can generate quite a list of wrongs that I am willing to forgive. And, I don't mean this flippantly. The practice of forgiveness is deeply healing and I have had to dig deep to even find the willingness to consider forgiveness on some matters, let alone put it into practice. However, offering forgiveness still leaves our counterpart in the wrong – forgiven, yes, but having erred. When we seek forgiveness, the wrong is with us. We are asking for forgiveness for not seeing the divine light in our adversary. And, before we hasten down the route of self-shaming for being 'wrong', let's remember that the divine light shines in us too and that it is this light that opens our eyes to the divine countenance in another.
I have found Joel Goldsmith’s teachings in the Infinite Way a helpful companion. He too describes how healing arises in an individual when we see their perfection. As with Hoponopono, it’s really hard to grasp this because it feels counterintuitive. When we perceive illness or harm being done, we fear that we are ‘in denial’ if we don’t accept the ‘truth’ of it. We are engaging in the subtle art of unconditional love that both doesn’t deny, offers empathy and compassion for the suffering that is being experienced, and simultaneously knows the Truth of the perfection of everything.
As I walked and reflected on this, I offered my ex a silent apology. I also noticed that there is one particular government official whom I have been holding responsible for a particularly annoying decision and whom I blame for some of the challenges I’m facing. Oh! So I’m not without someone to blame, I thought. On returning home, I picked up a message from said official threatening to cut all my income from that source. I had to laugh out loud! I hadn’t done anything to warrant the threat so I wasn’t unduly concerned about its contents, but the timing was a lesson for me.
It’s time to take responsibility and stop the blame game!
The Grief Recovery Method also invites us to take at least 1% responsibility for events that have befallen us. This is a key piece of recovery.
If you too want to find healing after loss, book a free call with me to discover how the Grief Recovery Method will serve you.