I see this infographic re-posted repeatedly on social media, but I think it's misleading. I agree wholeheartedly that the mindset, 'time heals,' is erroneous, expressed in this image as the blue circle of grief diminishing as time passes. Life does indeed change to accommodate the experience of grief, as the ascending orange circles of grief indicate. However, grief does not remain the same over time.
When I received devastating news, my legs buckled beneath me, I felt I couldn't breath, my mind raced in desperation, not wanting to digest what was being presented. The days that followed were a marathon of tears.
As the weeks unfolded, I found ways to accommodate my grief so that my children still got fed and life bore a rudimentary resemblence to normality. I could both walk and breath, although there were moments when I didn't want to do either. Within a matter of days, my grief had begun to change shape. First had been the terrible shock, then came guilt – it swamped me. All the ways that I could have prevented what had happened presented themselves to me in tortuous detail. Intense fear of being blamed and estranged were thrown into the mix. Anger towards the people who had brought this situation about reared up when blame took some downtime. It was a long time before I could dismount this hellish see-saw.
Grief is not one thing – it's the conflicting feelings that follow the experience of loss. There's neither a linear path towards acceptance nor a groundhog day of buckled knees and gasping breath around which the rest of our lives grow. What we do know for sure is that time doesn't stop, and in the passing of time, we can do things that alter the trajectory of our grief and the way it takes up residence in our lives.
I turned to a friend who supported me to take the steps of the Grief Recovery Method. Recovery is an uncomfortable word to employ in relation to grief because it makes us fear that by seeking recovery, we are wanting to forget. What I have found for myself however, is that by looking with kindness at the feelings of guilt, I can find out what I need to say sorry for, and that bringing a spotlight onto my anger, reveals what I needed to forgive. The actions of apology and forgiveness, the key components of the Grief Recovery Method, put me in touch with love again. I was liberated from the crazy-making rollercoaster of pain.
My heart is forever changed by the experience of this loss, and my life has grown and deepened in ways that wouldn't have been possbile without this ordeal. However, my grief is not the same as it was. Love is the predominant flavour now.
This is an infographic I prefer to express this journey with grief:
If you want to find out how the Grief Recovery Method could help you find freedom in the midst of grief, use my calendar link below to book a free call with me:
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