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Domestic Abuse Haha

Writer's picture: Rachel GwilymRachel Gwilym

Updated: Aug 23, 2024





I’m sitting in the CalMac lounge waiting on my ferry back to Tiree. It is packed with more people than usual because a band of lively players are entertaining the passengers. “Here’s a song from Newcastle,” the band leader calls out above the melee, “The creel men of the Newcastle docks were known to be rough and this song tells the story of a young bride who didn’t choose a joiner or a plumber or a carpenter. She learnt the hard way when he threw her down the stairs!” As he plays the opening chords, he jokes, “Well, she asked for it!” to which a passenger in the crowd heckles, “She made her bed and had to lie in it!” A smattering of hearty male laughter ripples round the room.


I am rigid in my seat. I have the urge to put my hands over my ears, rock to and fro and cry out, “No, no, no, no!”


As my heart returns to a more comfortable rhythm, I survey the sixty plus listeners. Of the thirty or so women present, ten will have endured physical violence from an intimate partner and more will have been subjected to coercive emotional abuse. Like me, none of them reveal their distress as the menfolk titter at the bride’s injuries.


The girls in the room, some of whom might have witnessed their mothers being thrown down the stairs or harmed in other ways, will clock the laughter and their mothers’ impassive faces and know it’s not safe to talk. It must be mum’s fault.


This is no fringe concern of a few mouthy women. There is a call made to police every 30 seconds regarding an incidence of domestic abuse.


After the murder of Sarah Everard, riders of the London Tube are informed that touching, rubbing, and inappropriate comments amount to sexual crimes and witnesses are encouraged to check the individual is ok. This is the type of education we need - aimed at would be perpetrators and witnesses.


I was recently horrified to hear of a decent family man with direct information that his employee had broken bail after an incidence of domestic violence and threats to kill his girlfriend’s children, did not report him to the police. He was of the opinion that the woman had provoked her boyfriend. She hadn’t chosen the joiner, the carpenter or the plumber but she’d made her bed with the creel man and asked for everything that followed.


It’s true, she’s lied and alienated friends and she’s convinced that her aggressive partner still loves her.


That’s not the point!


The bail conditions have been set in response to the behaviour of her boyfriend.


She’s afraid that one day she’ll be found dead in a pool of blood. She still craves his love.


That’s not the point!


The bail conditions have been set in response to the behaviour of her boyfriend.


She’s left her children, lost her teeth, cried wolf.


That’s not the point!


The bail conditions have been set in response to the behaviour of her boyfriend.


Scotland’s zero tolerance domestic abuse bill is only as effective as the community it serves is willing to cooperate with its enforcement.


The employer who turned a blind eye won’t consider himself complicit in domestic abuse. As far as he’s concerned, he’s lost a hard working employee because a silly bitch came to live with him.


He won’t hear the message he’s giving the womenfolk in his community who might be struggling behind closed doors with abusive partners, that they’re not safe.


Or consider the education he’s giving his sons, that women who are provocative are fair game for beating up.


The children who’ve been menaced in this scenario are quietly forgotten. The man who’s threatening them could be behind bars tonight but for another man who has chosen to take the law into his own hands and found the bride guilty of making her own bed.


Scotland’s law makers are ahead of their time. Zero-tolerance for domestic abuse on the statute books does not lead to the safety of women and children, however, if we don’t all play our part.


If this touches on your experience and you want to rediscover yourself after domestic abuse, use my calendar link to book a free session and find out how the Grief Recovery Method can bring peace to your heart after enduring the loss of safety.




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